Meet the characters of Beaver!
Okay, I'm still a petty bitch.
I'm Alyssa Beaver, and I'm in prison for cursing dildos. That's the only one of my crimes the authorities know about and only because I confessed. They still haven't pinned the British Museum heist or the missing Pope hat on me.
Let's not get started on all the wolf shifter packs and vampire covens I've pissed off. It'll take all day just to list them.
But supernatural prison isn't so bad. Even though my ex-boyfriend, Ramrod Johnson, is locked up with me, I'm turning my life around. I'm protecting the people who are too soft and kind for prison and fucking with the assholes who try to run the place.
That includes my ex and his many pathetic cronies.
You'd be surprised how many everyday items can be used as weapons in a punch: toothbrushes, plastic lunch trays, tampons. You have to be creative.
Okay, so maybe I'm not quite a good guy yet. After all, I am about to break out...
Hi, I'm Moe! That name can be hard to remember, so I have a song to help you:
M is for man and O is for Oooohhhh.
E is for everyone’s friend.
That’s Moe!
I'm in prison for playing my ass bongos in public. Literally. Or is it figuratively? The one that's real.
I can get a lot of notes from my ass cheeks, they're the best drum kit I've ever played! Okay, they're only the second drum kit but they're still the best.
I thought people in prison were friendly and helpful until a guard threw me in solitary. But I'm not worried. My friend, Jag, promised to break us out and in the meantime, I got to talk to the woman in the cell next to mine.
I don't really know Alyssa yet and she's kind of mean, but something about her draws me in like no one else ever has.
No more hiding.
My name is Jag, and my friends and I don't deserve to be locked up in prison for playing our unlikely instruments. I'm going to find a way to get us out and then, we're going back to playing gigs no matter what anyone thinks.
Plus, breaking out means spending more time with Alyssa and her beaver. I mean her pet beaver, not her beaver-beaver. The literal beaver who someone locked up in here.
Though I wouldn't mind getting to know Alyssa's pussy-beaver too... Not some kind of cat-beaver hybrid but a... You know what? Never mind.
I've always loved Alyssa.
That hasn't prevented me from hurting her.
So, I tried-- fuck, how I tried--to stop caring about her. It should have been easy. She openly hates me. She betrayed me, destroyed my life's work, and put me in prison. It's a clear recipe for dislike.
I could never stop loving her, though.
With no chance of winning her over--I mean, I did try to kill her best friend--I might as well employ some light blackmail to force her to break me out of prison.
I'm Ram, and I can't fucking stand to be here a moment longer.
Once we're free, she'll never want to see me again and maybe then, I'll finally get over her.
The less you know about me the better.
After all, people seeing me for what I really am is what landed me in prison along with the other members of my band.
My name is Elliot, and I just want to keep my head down, serve my sentence, and return to a quiet life. One without music. One without my...ability.
But after a stint in solitary for helping a wrongfully convicted beaver, I'm not sure I can handle a prison sentence. On top of that, my friends are insisting on breaking out and if I go along, I'll get to spend more time with the alluring Alyssa.
I don't know what it is about her, but when she's in the room, I can't take my eyes off her.
It almost seems too good to be true...
Beverly Beaver
Grunt, grunt, grrrr.
Squeak. Grunt. Squeaky squeak.
Grunty grunt, squeak, chitter.
*bites you and then runs away*